


Screwed Up and Brilliant

by nariesu



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gay, M/M, NSFW, always sunny, crackship, iasip - Freeform, it's always sunny in philadelphia - Freeform, stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 13:21:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15708078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nariesu/pseuds/nariesu
Summary: ❝He was a physics majorHe was a failureCan I make it anymore obvious?He wanted himHe'd never tellBut secretly he wanted him as well❞──────────────────Dennis Reynolds always dreamed of having the ultimate college experience: frat parties, girls, alcoholism, and girls. Instead, however, he fell into the aura of an intriguing future billionaire known as Elon Musk. Find out how the two fell in love and how their relationship deeply impacted their lives in this shitshow of a story.





	1. The Nightclub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry; this ended up being much longer than anticipated. I added in more than I expected. I doubt the other chapters will be this long. Anyway, if you decided to read it the whole way through then I sincerely thank you for your patience because I know how fucking stupid this is.

"C'mon, bro! You're being such a dick right now!" Yelled a man who stood in front of a closed bedroom door. A sigh could be heard from the other side. "I didn't drive three fucking hours just to have you study." 

"Oh— Goddammit, how many times do I have to tell you guys? I have to study for my midterms!"

"But we would have so much fun Dennis!" His friend pouted. "Don't you want to go out and meet more girls like Helen?"

"No Mac, because she was sixty year-old homeless alcoholic crackhead!" 

"You're just missing out dude," their friend Charlie intervened. "Helen is one of the nicest people you could ever meet. She shared her giggle broccoli with you!"

"For the last time Charlie, it's weed, not 'giggle broccoli.'" Mac corrected him. Charlie shrugged.

"If you don't leave the house soon I swear to God I will gather your intestines and play jumprope with them!" Dennis screeched, followed by a loud bang at the door. Mac and Charlie flinched. 

"Wait, d... did I tell you Kate would be there?" said Mac. There was a sudden silence. Mac and Charlie exchanged confused glances. Moments later, Dennis opened the door. He stood at the entrance of his room slouched, struggling to keep his eyes open. 

"Kate? Kate Foster?" He questioned them. "The one with the enormous tits?" 

"Yeah buddy!" Suddenly Dennis' tired eyes lit up. 

"Why didn't you say that in the first place?" He swiftly shut the door to get changed. In a couples minutes, all three of them left the frat house.

 

"So where is this place?"

"A little up the 322." Dennis groaned and rubbed his forehead.

"I'm not walking that far." He started. "I don't care how much gas money you have, we're driving there." Mac agreed. But when the three got to the guest parking lot, Mac's expression suddenly changed. 

"Oh, no, no, no, no..." Mac cried. "WHERE'S MY GODDAMN CAR!" Mac and Charlie started frantically running around the parking lot like headless chickens. All Dennis could do was try and keep his sanity in tact. Thankfully, a "GODDAMMIT CHARLIE!" echoed through the parking lot before Dennis considered beheading them.

"Did you tell me to park in the 'no parking' zone?" Charlie took a moment to think.

"Oh I thought it said 'parking zone.'" Mac and Dennis groaned.

"JESUS CHRIST CHARLIE, NOW I CAN'T GET MY CAR UNTIL TOMORROW MORNING!"  
Dennis' face turned as red as Mac's "Come To Philly for the Crack" shirt he was wearing.

"Uh... wait! We can use your car, Den!" Mac exclaimed. But Dennis stared at him with rage flickering in his eyes.

"We can't... because  _someone_ thought it would be funny to let a tick-infested cat in my car."

"OH C'MON MAN," Charlie squeaked. "HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THOSE LITTLE BLACK THINGS WEREN'T PEPPER FLAKES."

"BECAUSE PEPPER FLAKES DOWN  _MOVE_  CHARLIE!" Snapped Dennis.

"Mine do."

"WHAT PEPPER FLAKES DO YOU FUCKING EAT—" Mac stood in between them.

"Woah, woah, woah... remember why we're out tonight?" The two sighed. 

"Boobs." 

"That's the spirit! Now lets get to it." Mac cheered as he sprinted ahead of them. The two boys followed behind him.

 

⋆ ☾ ⋆

 

By ten o'clock at night, the three friends were about halfway to their destination. Due to exhaustion, not a single word had been spoken for 20 minutes. They were only focusing on two things: getting there and big beautiful breasts. Unless you were Dennis Reynolds.

"Wait, where the hell are we going to in the first place?"

"Some dude's house,'" Mac explained. "Apparently the two guys who live there run a nightclub in their house almost every night. A girl on campus told me up to 1,000 people attend sometimes." Dennis gave him a look.  _Could that really be true?_  Dennis wondered. However he was too tired to ask more questions, so the men returned to silence.

Once they entered the neighborhood, they had three possibles paths: Hillcrest Avenue, Martin Terrance, or Taylor Street.

"Charlie, do you remember which street the house was at?" Mac asked.

"Uh... no." 

"Dammit Charlie that was the one thing I asked you to remember!"

"I don't even remember you saying that."

"Fine, then I'll chose where to go... straight ahead." Dennis sighed. At this point he was convinced that they were lost. When they were a couple blocks in, Charlie suddenly stopped.

"Oh, I remember now! It was Glean street!" Dennis and Mac looked at each other concerned.

"Glean... street?" Dennis questioned.

"Yeah, dude I saw it on the map, trust me. I know it started with that weird circle shape." 

"You mean a 'G?'"

"Yeah that thing." Mac and Dennis gave each other the same look again. But they didn't know what else to do, so they took Charlie's hunch.

"Alright, lead the way then." Charlie's eyes began to scan for any street signs near by.

"THERE!" Charlie shouted. He pointed to a street sign that said  _Glenn Street_. Mac and Dennis smiled.

"Good job buddy!" said Mac. Dennis examined the sign. 

"Glenn Street? What a stupid name." They laughed.

"Yeah, stupid Glenn." Charlie agreed.

 

From that point, finding the house was easy; all you had to do was follow the sound of loud music down the street. But when the boys thought the journey was over, they stumbled onto another barrier blocking their path:

"Are those bodyguards?" Dennis asked, pointing to the two men standing in front of the house.

"Relax, I got this." Mac assured them. He walked right up and tried to go through the door, but one of the guards grabbed him from behind.

"Woah dude, you need to pay the fee first." Mac turned around and made a goofy grin at the bodyguard for a moment.

"Hi, I'm Mac." He extended his arm for a handshake. The bodyguard obliged with a puzzled look on his face. "It was so cool how you, uh... just grabbed me, ya know? Is that what bodyguards get to do?" Mac asked laughing nervously.

"Sort of."

"Wow." Mac crossed his arms, trying to seem cool. 

"You and your pals need to pay five dollars each if you want to get in tonight." The other bodyguard told Mac.

"FIVE DOLLARS?!" Mac yelled. "DENNIS DO YOU HAVE FIFTEEN DOLLARS? HE WANTS US TO PAY TO GET IN." 

Dennis sharply exhaled and muttered a "Fuck me." under his breath. He handed a fifteen to the guard.

"You owe me."

"Alright, well, I'm going to go wherever the beer is. Have fun Dennis." Mac said with Charlie following behind him. They quickly vanished into the crowd of college students.

 

Like any horny college student, Dennis Reynolds viciously tried hitting on as many women as possible in hopes of getting laid. He immediately scanned the room for any hot girls and soon spotted a petite blonde woman. Without hesitation, he suddenly bolted into her, resulting in her almost falling.

"Oh Jesus! I'm so sorry." He said as he helped her back up. "I was just  _so_  worried about my friend. You see, he's paralyzed and needs my help sometimes."

"It's okay, I understand. My best friend is paralyzed."

"Oh no, what happened?"

"My best tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. She didn't die but her hips hit a big rock and she almost lost all circulation in her legs." Dennis chuckled.

"Well your friend sounds stupid. Couldn't she have just overdosed instead or something?" The girl threw her drink at him and stormed off.

"WAIT, you can't reject me! I-I'm a good person! I'M NICE!" He shouted across the room. He took a big swig of his beer, and continued the cycle.

 

After one hour, he was already shit-faced drunk and didn't land a single date. By this point half of the guests in the house tried to avoid him as if he was the bubonic plague. Dennis was at his lowest point and just wanted to go back home, but he needed to find Charlie and Mac. He swerved his body from room to room with the stench of alcohol trailing behind him. He checked everywhere that his intoxicated body would allow him to, but there was no luck. Frustrated, he chose to blow off Charlie and Mac. However right when he was about to leave he saw the most dreadful thing a drunk man would ever have to see: the staircase. Suddenly Mac's voice popped into his head, nagging to him about how angry he was for his actions. Without much thought, Dennis climbed his way up the stairs and proceeded to investigate each room of the upper floor. Many of the rooms looked barren and untouched in years. When he reached the upstairs bathroom, he sat down on the toilet and cursed to himself about how angry he was at Charlie and Mac were.

"God sometimes I wish I could just take Mac's skin and burn it just because he's so fucking stupid!" He rubbed his face for a moment. "Why am I even friends with these fucking guys? They're so—" Without warning, an abrupt "GODDAMMIT!" echoed down the hall. Dennis walked out of the bathroom and examined his surroundings. Who made that sound? 

"Take that you stupid alien bitches! I am  _your_  god!" The voice said again. He followed the sound to a door where the light was barely sneaking out— Charlie and Mac had to be there. Dennis then opened the door abruptly and said, 

"I don't give a fuck what you guys are doing, we're leaving  _now_." The room went silent.

"What the hell are you doing here?" The man questioned. Dennis then realized that this guy shared no resemblance to Charlie nor Mac. His face was as flat and round as a pancake. His hair looked like a wig about to slide off his slippery, buttery scalp. The confused expression on the man's face lit up Dennis' heart more than the monitor that displayed his video game. You could tell he had better hygiene habits because the room didn't smell rancid, which isn't saying a lot compared to Charlie and Mac. Dennis was already in love but he didn't know it.

"Hello, can you please leave? Guests aren't supposed to be up here." Dennis was too much in awe of the nerd's looks to respond. There was a knock on the door.

"Hey is there some weird drunk dude in your bedroom by any chance?" Someone asked. Dennis snapped out of his trance.

"Yeah for sure. Can you get him out please?" A guy opened the door and told Dennis he had to leave.

"I'm... s...sorry..." Dennis slurred. He collapsed into the guy at the door.

"I'm sorry about this guy E... Chris was taking a shit again." He said while trying to close the door. The person carried Dennis' dainty body down the steps and into the front yard, where buzzed Charlie and Mac stood. "Your friends have been looking for you." The man released Dennis. He fell to the ground.

"Hey buddy, lets go home." Charlie and Mac reassured him. But Dennis didn't want that. The only thing he wanted was to know one thing: Who is E?


	2. Finding Elon

"Dude, body guards are so epic." Mac said.

"Why? All they do is just sit there." Charlie questioned.

"No they don't, bro. Did you see how that guy grabbed me? He totally dominated me, it was amazing! There's just something so magical about asserting your dominance on others, you know? I mean, imagine if I got to dominate other guys for a living." Dennis slowly opened his eyes trying to adjust to the bright morning sun. He quickly realized he was back in his bedroom.

"God... what the—" Dennis gagged. "What happened last night?" Charlie cleared his throat.

"Well Mac and I wanted you to come to a party, but then you were like 'No! I have my midterms!' or whatever but then we mentioned that girl with the big tits so you went with us. Then you were like, 'You guys better drive me' but then Mac's car got towed. And then Mac suggested to take your car but then you remembered that I got 'ticks' in your car. Which I still don't get by the way, ticks and black pepper flakes—"

"Oh my God, shut up, shut up!" Dennis yelled. "I already know that. What happened once I got there?"

"You drank a shitload of beer." Mac started. "This dude had to carry you out of the house because you went into that guy's room."

"And this guy had to drag—"

" _I_  dragged your body home." Mac interrupted. He gave him a look. "You were pretty heavy but luckily it wasn't anything my strong muscles couldn't handle. You threw up multiple times on the way home, it was nasty." Dennis tried to sit up, but he felt a sharp pain in his back.

"Why does my back hurt so much?"

"Oh that's because I had to kick you so you wouldn't fall asleep on the street." Charlie explained.

"Great." Dennis rubbed his face, trying to register the information they told him. He suddenly remembered the blonde girl, a girl who told him he looked like a used diaper, and all of that alcohol. But there was something else on his mind as well; a college student with the voice of an angel playing video games in his room.

"'E'..." Dennis muttered. "I think his name started with an 'E.'"

"What the hell is the 'E?'" Charlie asked.

"It's a letter in the alphabet. Dennis what are you even talking about?" said Mac.

"I met this guy upstairs playing video games. He looked, uh... really cool." Dennis struggled to say. "All I remember was that I was stood in his room for a while, then his friend got me out. The guy said his name and I completely forgot what it was. It rhymed with 'Neon'." Dennis paused. 

"Goddammit! What the fuck was it!" Charlie and Mac exchanged looks and then suddenly burst out laughing. "What? Why are you laughing?" They continued laughing. "What's so funny? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?! WHAT'S SO FUNNY, HUH?!" Dennis screamed while pounding his fists on his bed.

"'I met this guy playing video games, but I can't remember what his name was, boo-hoo!'" Mac mocked while him and Charlie pretended to cry. Dennis gave them an evil stare.

"If I wasn't so sick I'd smack you two with—" Dennis gagged again. He bolted out of the bed, ran into the bathroom across the hallway, and puked. When he finished, Charlie and Mac calmed down. Dennis started changing out of his warn out, vomit-stained clothes into a clean t-shirt and pants.

"Well... the car place should be open by now. Do you guys want to come so we can get your car at the tow pound afterwards?"

"No." Charlie and Mac said simultaneously.

"... How are you guys going to get the car then?" There was a moment of silence. "Oh yeah." The two mumbled. They got up and followed Dennis out the door.

"Hey Dennis?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah?"

"Did you end up seeing Kate last night?" There was a pause.

"No." Dennis lied— Kate was the girl who called him a used diaper.

 

⋆ ☾ ⋆

 

By the next morning, Charlie and Mac were on their way back to Philadelphia. Dennis took his only midterm that Monday, then decided to walk around campus for the rest of the day to see if anyone knew about the "E" man. He had no plan for this whatsoever, so Dennis ended up manically asking every poor stranger that walked past him.

"Excuse me," Dennis said to one kid. "Do you know a guy by the name of E-something?"

"E-what?"

"Ya know... like Eric? Ethan? Edward? Eon? Neon? Celine Dion? One of those?" The kid walked away.

"C'mon I'm not crazy... He's real! He's real!" Dennis shouted. The search continued. He saw a guy with ginger hair who looked like someone who was at the nightclub.

 

"Hey!" Dennis said as he ran over to him.

"Who are you?" 

"Do you know a guy by any chance?"

"I know multiple guys." 

"Oh, great! Great!" Dennis exclaimed. The college student already looked uncomfortable. "Do you know this guy who was like six-foot, nerdy, a little greasy, and likes to play that stupid alien-shooting game?" He glared at him.

"That's me you dick." 

"No this guy was more masculine. You're way more of a twink so it can't be you." The man punched him in the stomach and walked away. Dennis fell to the ground.

 

"Looks like college is treating you well." A voice said. It was his twin sister.

"Shut the fuck up, Dee."

"Okay then. See you later, wet boner."

"No! Wait, wait, wait, wait." Dennis said frantically as he grabbed onto Dee's leg. "Do you know this guy who looks like a nerd and plays video games? Maybe his name starts with 'E?'" Dee rolled her eyes.

"You just described everyone majoring physics." She shook him off her leg and walked away. 

"Bye Dennis."

"THERE IS NO WAY EVERYONE'S NAME STARTS WITH AN 'E' IN PHYSICS YOU  _IDIOT_!" Dennis yelled across the campus. He continued to stay in a ball on the sidewalk.  _I'm never going to find him._  Dennis thought.  _That was probably the last time I'd ever see that beautiful face... unless I go to the science building._ He got up and wiped the dirt off his chest.  _I'd never admit it, but Dee might be right on this one, or else I'm going to kill her._

 

When Dennis got to the science department, he immediately saw how much it was contaminated with nerds and geeks— he was defiantly in right place. Dennis hated it, but he was willing to do anything to find that boy. He sat near the entrance and waited for him for a while. Every time he thought he saw him, Dennis perked up, then quickly got disappointed again and again. Suddenly the stars aligned— he saw him. Time slowed down and Dennis' heart pounded faster. He was captivated by his hippo-like grace, stomping clumsily on the floor with his clanky shoes. There was something about his cold, expressionless face that sparked a warmth Dennis' heart. The nerd was talking to his friend, who Dennis shortly noticed that it was the man who kicked him out of the nightclub. However, the room was crowded by the chatter of other students so their conversation was inaudible.

 

"I heard that girl with the long blonde hair is failing her classes." His friend said. 

"Dee Reynolds?"

"Yeah."

"She's pretty hot." The nerd admitted. His friend shook his head.

"No dude she's weird. She's the one who's been fucking Dr. Genger."

"Ew," He grunted. "Never mind then. Why would anyone date him? He's so creepy."

"I know. I heard it's because the school is doing an investigation on him so he had to dump her." 

"Oh, make sense."

His friend looked at his watch "Hey man, I'll see you later." They waved each other goodbye. Once his friend left, Dennis got up a decided to bump into the nerd "accidentally."

 

"Oh, sorry."

"Uh, that's alright." He started walking away.

"W-wait!" Dennis yelped. He turned around. "What's your name?"

"Elon." Dennis grinned. It felt so relieving to finally put a name to a face.

"Sorry about the other night. I was extremely drunk."

"That was apparent." Elon admitted with a blank stare.

"Yeah... What do you major in?"

"Psychics. I have a degree in business too."

"Wow that's impressive. I can barely manage one." They both laughed. "I don't know you that well but I can tell you're good at it." Elon smiled.

"Thank you. It's nice to hear someone boost my big ego for once. What's your name?"

"Dennis."

"Nice to meet you Dennis." Elon stuck his hand out for a handshake. When the two touched each other, he felt a spark. Dennis loved it; it was like meeting a middle-aged corporate executive. "I have to go, but I'll see you later. You seem really hip." said Elon. They said their goodbyes and parted ways. They both left the building with a smile.


	3. Breaktime

It was a Thursday afternoon in Pennsylvania State University. A tall, noble building stood in the grounds of the historical college. It felt as old and wise as the founding men who created the establishment. Its nineteenth century architecture prompt an intimating character that spoke to anyone who saw it. It was renowned for its mighty white pillars and crisp brick exterior. The inside was no exception either. It had grandiose ceilings that reached for the sky. The walls and floors were preserved from so long ago that it still showed reminisce of the hundreds of brilliant people who stood afoot on it. It was as if the building had not been touched for years. Every inch was cared for with the finest detail. It all came well together like fine art; everything had its place. Then there was this fucking buffoon who sat in the corner wearing a cheap duster, a dirty white t-shirt, and a pair of five dollar glasses from Walgreen's. This man was Dennis Reynolds, and he was participating in his seventh attempt to see his greasy nerd crush.

After Dennis' encounter with Elon two weeks ago, he had to scheme of ways to be able to see him as much as possible. The first attempt was very simple: wait in the building until he popped out. However, Dennis' tiny feeble eyes couldn't find him in the hoard of students, so like any normal person, he bought a two-hundred dollar pair binoculars. But when he arrived to Elon's building, Dennis somehow had no clue how to function it. He ended up throwing it on the ground in frustration and spent his remaining time trying to piece it back together. He missed Elon that day. The second and third attempt were a couple days later after he recovered from his loss of the binoculars. He decided his money would be better well spent on a pair of shades, because he thought:  _Nothing screams "sexy" louder than a chill dude wearing sunglasses._ Elon did end up waving at him both times, but despite what Dennis believed, the glasses had no contribution to that. What did help was Dennis' duster. When he saw that old duster dangling on the rack, all Dennis could think of was the idea of women gawking over his perfect abs with the dark, sexy duster draping over his body. Now he had the ultimate outfit completed; there was no way Elon won't be able to resist this. Then Dennis lost his sunglasses, so he only wore the duster for three other days. He was able to greet Elon on all of those days. He even complimented him on the duster when he last saw him. Dennis felt like the king of the mountain top and nothing could stop him. On Thursday morning, he found his shades near his stash of porn. He had no doubt in his mind that Elon would be able to resist this sexy epic combo of clothing.

Dennis checked his watch— the minute hand finally hit the thirty, officially making the time 1:30 p.m. A wave of students flooded the hallways with the sound of hundreds of footsteps roaring behind them. He immediately scanned for Elon. His eyes moved back and forth with rapid speed and precision. Dennis' breathing was so shallow it was almost like he wasn't human. Soon, he detected the physics major in the crowd. He launched himself off the seat and moved towards to Elon. However, without warning, Elon revealed a clown-like smile that tore his crusty white skin apart. The smile surged a sudden electric shock into Dennis' heart. The voltage corrupted his motherboard to the point of no return. He overheated so badly that it felt like Elon himself aimed an expensive, unnecessary flamethrower at his body. All that remained of Dennis was a sterile piece of sweaty junk. When Elon saw him, he thought it was just some poor, red tomato in a cheap Terminator costume. The scene was so obscure to him he thought he was imagining it. He couldn't help but squint every other second as he was leaving the building. Dennis interpenetrated that Elon was struggling to see him, so he violently waved his hands, attracting even more judgmental eyes to look at him. But it was too late. After that day, the only thing the duster draped over was a clothing rack.

Three days later on Friday, Dennis was found hunched over at his desk, studying. A poor, dull lamp lit the area. Papers and books cluttered the surface. Old beer bottles were stranded alone in the corner. The only sound that came from him was the sound of his pencil moving. His eyes were so heavy they could have to shut close at any moment. Nonetheless, he persisted through. There was no way Dennis was going to go back home when he made it this far. Elon wasn't even in his mind anymore. Then there was an abrupt silence. He plummeted his face into his hands as the pencil rolled off the desk. He'd been studying for seven hours straight by this point, and he desperately needed a break. He grabbed his coat and left the house.

Dennis strolled aimlessly around the dark campus. It was completely barren of people. Trees could be heard rustling in the wind. Tall light poles lit up the night that illuminated an orange color. He examined the buildings and nature for minutes on end, with the only thought,  _Why the fuck do people care about this shit so much?_  As he was examining a dead rat on the ground, foot steps began to echo in the distance. Dennis dramatically turned his head around. It was Elon. He was about a hundred feet away, taking nightly stroll as well. Dennis loudly exhaled a feminine sigh of relief.  
  


"Hey!" Elon shouted. "Dennis right?"

"Yeah!" There was a pause.

"Do you want to maybe... go to liquor store and get some beer with me?" Dennis smiled.

"Sure!" He jogged his way to Elon.

"Is that why you're out?" Dennis asked.

"Yeah, for the nightclub."

"You run the nightclub?"

"Yeah. Have been this whole time." Dennis rubbed his gay hands together in joy. Knowing the success the nightclub has been, Elon must have a good sum of money. 

"Seems like a sweet gig."

"It really is the bee's knees. I love telling people what to do."

"So do I! But whenever I end up doing it in the end because my friends are idiots." Elon let out a weird wheezing laugh and clapped.

"That's  _exactly_  how it is!" Laughter and small talk persisted as they walked their way to the store. They shared tales of how idiotic both of their friends were time after time.

I think I drank too many Red Bulls yesterday," Elon said while crossing the street. "I was walking back from physics class on Tuesday and I think I saw the Terminator." Dennis laughed.

"What?"

"I know, it's ridiculous. For some reason this guy was completely red as well. It was so bizarre. All he did was stand in the middle of the hallway, motionless." Dennis suddenly felt his heart drop out of his chest.

"I think you're just imagining it, bro. I mean, what idiot would come to class in that costume?" He laughed nervously.

"Yeah, no more Red Bulls for a while for me."  _Thank God he thought it wasn't real._ Dennis thought. Later, he learned that he was raised in South Africa with two other siblings. Elon bought three cases of Blue Moon, and handed one case to Dennis. Their small talk resumed until they came back to school.

 

"Let's take a break." Elon said. The two sat to the closest bench they could find. Dennis grabbed a beer out of the container and tried to twist it open, but failed miserably. Although his weak arms had no chance of exerting enough force to open it, he still tried several times. Elon watched him for a moment, baffled.

"Uh... do you need help?" Dennis ignored his aid. By this point, his hands were red and irritated. Impulsively, Elon intertwined his fingers on top of Dennis' tiny hands. Together, they twisted their hands as Elon pushed hard. A spark was felt between the two again. Their hearts started to beat faster and blood could be heard rushing through their ears. Elon let out a short grunt. The cap popped off and he let go. A sudden cool November breeze passed by the two. They looked at each other for a brief moment, then quickly turned away. Chills ran down their spine. For a minute, the two college students avoided eye contact.

"It's beautiful." said Elon looking up at the sky. The two got mesmerized by the stars.

"Have you ever wanted to go to space, Elon?" Dennis asked with wonder in his eyes.

"Not physically." Dennis chuckled. 

"'Not physically.' I like that." They resumed their star gazing for a few minutes.

"Hey Dennis?"

"Yeah?"

"Lets go to New Jersey. Tomorrow." Dennis looked at him shocked.

"... Really?"

"Yeah, why not?" Dennis, for whatever reason, didn't need to think about this decision for too long. Something just felt right, as if this was his destiny.

"Hell yeah, lets go!" Within an hour, the two went home, packed their stuff, and drove Dennis' Range Rover into the night. This was either going to be the best or worst weekend of their lives.


	4. Meet the Reynolds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry for this chapter being late. I didn’t like the original version of this chapter so I rewrote it but then I experienced writer’s block. I also rewrote it to try and make the chapter shorter but I somehow made it even longer. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!

By two o'clock in the morning, Dennis and Elon were about halfway to their destination. Regardless of the late hour, the two remained restless, thanks to the help of Elon's stash of Red Bulls; the smell of energy drinks drenched the car. Dennis' job was to simply keep his eyes on the road while Elon read the map. Conversations varied from teachers, transportation, to big and scary technology.

"When I saw that guy in the Terminator costume— or at least when I  _thought_  I did— I got scared." Elon started. Dennis' heart rate elevated a little when he heard "Terminator costume." 

"Why?"

"Well, I started thinking, 'What if shit like this became a normal occurrence in the future? What if some science dude actually invents AI so intelligent that it, like, walks into an actual campus one day and destroys us all?'" There was a moment of silence. Dennis blankly stared at the dark road ahead of him, pondering the possibility.

"Woah."

"Yeah man! What if the only girls at campus are just cyborgs in the future?" 

"Oh no, no, no!... No! I like real girls, human girls!"

"I know! I mean the new Windows 95 completely got rid of program manager! Now you just access it through a tab called... 'programs!' Where's it gonna end?"

"Goddamn those bastards!" Dennis exclaimed as he slammed his fists on the steering wheel. 

"How are we going to stop this, Elon? Now  _I'm_  scared." Elon adjusted himself in his seat and started to slowly say,

"Well I was thinking of like... hooking up wires to like... people's brains... and put microchips in there... so the machines and people become one..." Dennis stared at Elon for a moment with his mouth slightly open.

"Wow... you're so fucking smart Elon..." Suddenly, the smell of smoke filled the car.

"Do you think that's us?" Elon asked. The car started to slow down. Panic appeared on Dennis' face.

"FUCK!" He yelled. At that instant he jerked the car to the side of the road as fast as he could. Once he made it, the car immediately shut down. He frantically tried to start up the car again, but there was no luck.

"Fuck, fuck, FUCK!" Dennis yelled as he smashed his fists up and down. "WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO NOW!"

 

Everything went into a halt. The broken man sunk into the seat and covered his beet-red face with his homosexual hands. A long sigh escaped Dennis' mouth, like a teapot moving off the burner. Quietness flooded the car. Elon remained still. Sounds of cars rushing past them appeared periodically. All he could do was stare at the dark road ahead of him. After a long while, Elon looked over. His eyes were locked. He was surprised to see how upset he got, but fascinated. He never saw a man with such anger blow up so fast and Elon liked explosions. It erupted some sort of energy in him— something passionate, wild, and irrational that was never felt before. Elon placed his hand on Dennis' back and in his most toneless voice, he reassured him:

"Hey, we're right next to the exist. I think I saw a gas station up the hill. Let's go see what we can do, okay buddy?" He slowly took his hands off his face; his eyes were red and a little puffy.

"Y-yeah."

"Were you... crying?"

"No... my voice only cracked once, dude."

The two walked up the hill to a tiny, dirty Wawa. It only had two street lights on its property, one of them barely clinging onto its life. Onto the left of the store there were two payphone booths.

"Wait, you said your family lives in Philly, right?" asked Elon.

"Unfortunately."

"Well, how about you call them up and I'll get some food for us, okay?"

"I don't really—"

"Just do it." Elon commanded. Before Dennis could object, Elon went inside the connivence store. He hated being told what to do but something about the way he said it made him  _want_  to follow his orders. He walked over to the payphone booth, inserted a dime into the coin slot, and dialed.

"Hey Dad, it's Dennis."

 

An hour later, Dennis and Elon were found asleep in the car. Elon lied on the back seats while Dennis' head rested on the driver's seat with his mouth wide open like a sex doll. Then in the middle of their slumber, a loud  _clank, clank_  was heard outside Dennis' car. He bolted upward and frantically looked around his area. A balding, short man stood left to him. Dennis sighed and rolled down the window.

"Jesus Christ Frank." He mumbled under his breath.

"Get outta the car. I'm taking you home." Disturbed by the noise, Elon rose up from his sleep and softly asked,

"What's going on?"

"Dammit Dennis, you never told me that you had  _another_  guy in here."

"Well now you know— wait, what about my car?"

"I'll have Mike take care of that. Just jump out of the damn car, would ya?"

"Who the hell is  _Mike_?" Dennis hissed.

"Some dumb intern at work. Now c'mon or I'm driving off without you." Slowly, the two boys got out of the car and went inside the silver Audi. When Elon crawled in, Dennis' father looked up at his rear-view mirror and squinted his eyes.

"You're friends with nerds now?" Dennis didn't answer. His dad started the car and drove away. No words were shared between men for about five minutes. Eventually, the short man asked Dennis:

"How's college been?" There was a pause.

"Good."

"Bullshit. Mrs. Kimball told me you're failing statistics." Afraid, Dennis turned his head around to Elon— he was fast asleep. A large sigh of relief escaped his mouth. His father shot him a confused look.

"What the hell was that about?"

"How did you find that out?" Dennis shot back immediately.

"That doesn't matter, I paid them off. You have an 'A' now. As for Dee, however, she's off on her own. I can't deal with her 'banging the professor' shit anymore."

"FRANK! You can't say this in front of people! What if  _he_  heard us?" Dennis growled gesturing towards Elon in the back. Frank let out a weak laugh.

"Why the fuck do you care what he thinks? What's he gonna do, tell his mommy?" His son rolled his eyes.

"No it's— forget it. It doesn't matter." No words were spoken for the rest of the night.

 

⋆ ☾ ⋆

 

By the next morning, Elon found himself resting in a soft bed. Layers of fabric wrapped around his bulky body. The faint smell of perfume lingered in his tiny nostrils. Then he opened his eyes, trying beat against the morning light that shone from the window. Suddenly the memories of last night rushed into his head. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep in a stranger's car. He jolted himself up and felt a brief sharp pain in his back.  _God those seats were too stiff._ Elon thought.  _Who would ever make a car so expensive yet so uncomfortable?_ When he placed his hands down, he felt a soft stuffed animal. It was a large teddy bear. With his massive hands, Elon grabbed the bear and examined it for a long time. He smiled. It reminded him of the teddy bear he used to have as a child. Elon's eyes wondered the room. There were various old toys collecting dust on the bookshelves and the bed contained several stuffed animals. Then a startling realization hit him— he was in a little girl's room. Or, at least a former one. It looked like an older woman was moving her clothes in here, which explained the perfume smell. Various adult-sized hats and clothes scattered around the room.

Soon, muffled voices were heard downstairs. It sounded like there were two people— an older man and a woman. Whatever they were doing, it didn't sound like a conversation, because both of their voices coincided with each other. Too tired to contemplate what was happening, Elon headed to the bathroom. Unlike the room he was previously in, it was a beautifully decorated Victorian-styled room featuring a footed bathtub. After he was done he headed down the hallway, hoping to find Dennis.

"I had a great time last night, Barbara." A man's voice said. "When do you want to see each other again?" Elon creeped down the staircase to get a closer look. There was a man outside the doorway and a middle-aged woman in a green silk bathrobe that stood in front him.

"I'll think about it." She told him with a tone that defiantly meant the opposite. She slammed the door and turned around dead in her tracks. "Who are  _you?"_  Elon froze.

"I'm... uh—" 

"Go back outside,  _pool boy_." The middle-aged woman sneered with a long emphasis on "pool boy." Before he could object, she walked away. He immediately followed her into the kitchen. Elon hid behind a sky-blue arch that separated the kitchen and the living room.

"I swear these pool boys just keep getting dumber and dumber by the moment." She complained. Afterwards, another pair of foot steps were heard entering the kitchen. The noise of kitchenware and cabinets echoed throughout the downstairs. Nervous, Elon's breathing got shallower. There was a deafening silence that flooded into the room. It lasted for several minutes. It was apparent to Elon that whoever these two were, they were not happy with each other. Then chairs being pulled back could be heard. Silverware clamored against the plates. The silence was so uncomfortable that he cringed.

 

"Where's Miguel? You know I hate to cook." The woman asked.

"I fired him." said Frank.

"Why?"

"Because I can't afford to have a lazy wife and a frugal one at the same time." The sound of silverware dropping rang throughout the kitchen.

"Whatever Frank. I'm heading to the mall to waste your hard-earned money." She pushed her chair back and walked away.

"Goodbye, you old bitch." He pushed in chair and started muttering to himself. "I should have never given her the damn money to do that breast-reduction surgery. They look like two grapes tapped onto her wrinkled chest."

 

Elon let out a large sigh of relief. He turned away and closed his eyes for a moment. It's been a long time since Elon had experienced a dysfunctional family.

"Fucking unbelievable, right?" Dennis' father told him. He jumped. Frank was standing right beside him. "Be a little more quiet, would ya? You breath like a damn wild boar." He then took out a cigar from his pocket and lit it. "If you tried to pull that shit in Vietnam twenty years ago you would have been killed already." 

Frank took a big whiff of the Cohiba. He stood there motionless for a moment, letting the smoke fill his lungs. Elon's bat-like eyes fixated on him, unable to look away. Finally, Frank exhaled. A trail of grey smoke danced away from the cigar, leaving behind the sent of tobacco and green meadows. He then walked up the stairs and gestured Elon to follow him.

 

"What do you major in?" Frank asked while twirling the cigar between his fat fingers.

"Physics, but I, uh, have a degree in business too." The man let out a deep laugh and shook his head.

"Kids are just getting dumber and dumber. Look, you do not need any education, especially for business. At least you aren't into that stupid mind bullshit like my children are." They halted in front of a skinny door in the middle of the hallway. "I've been opening businesses for twenty years without a degree and look where I am."

Frank opens the door with a grin, revealing various assortments of leather harnesses, whips, and other odd sex toys that Elon didn't even think were real. As soon as he realized what he showed, he closed the door immediately.

"Uh... shit." Frank walked down two feet left to open another door. Unlike the last closet, there was nothing leather at all— only fine paintings and various expensive-looking antiques. Elon couldn't help but gaze in awe, wondering what could be his. "This shit is worth triple the amount of your tuition." The old man bragged. He waddled down the hall, leaving by a cloud of smoke.

"Holy shit. H-how? How did you..." Elon ended his sentence abruptly, realizing that he want him to follow Frank.

 

As Frank lead the tour around his estate, he shared his wisdom with the young pupil.

"You know how I've became successful?" He asked as smoke escaped his mouth.

"What?"

"By stealing." He drew from the cigar. Elon's jaw dropped a little.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Look kid, business is all about stealing. You gotta steal from your partners, customers, and especially your shit workers. Every successful businessman does it, they just don't get caught."

"What the hell do you mean?"

"Well it's not direct of course. Business bitches are sneaky that way. Sometimes it's money. Sometimes it's their time. Other times it's their will to live. In 'Nam, I have learned to practice all three of these skills using the sweatshop, and look where it got me!"

"Wait, I thought you went to war in Vietnam."

"No. You see most employers steal by reducing them to pure shit one way or another. You gotta do the absolute less to get the absolute most. That's how you build a successful company. Have you ever heard of a successful corporation that enforces that stupid liberal-bullshit? Ya know, 'good benefits', 'unions', 'minimum wages?' No! How do you think John D. Rockefeller got so filthy rich?" Elon nodded.

"Yeah, it's like 'I built this company. I'm the alpha! You should be even thankful for being here you pieces of shits!'" Frank and Elon laugh. "It's a damn shame that the government has to regulate us. Those bastards are stealing too... from my paycheck!" Frank smiled.

"I like the way you think... uh... what's your—"

"Elon."

"Really? What a weird name. Anyway, the government is a piece of shit, so don't follow their rules. All you have to do is not get caught and you're set for life. That's how I've been rolling in Vietnam and it's been great." Elon shook his head while Frank drew from his cigar again.

"God, imagine how much richer Rockefeller would have been if the liberals didn't push their shit policies onto us."

"Exactly." Frank exclaimed, pointing his cigar at him. "People are whinny little bitches. They have to have everything, and when they're together... It's disgusting. I hate those fucking unions. Elon, promise me you'll disband any unions if you start up a company, okay?" The college kid placed his hand on Frank's thick shoulders.

"Of course I will."

 

When the tour ended, they headed down to the living room. Right when Frank about about to park his flat ass on the Victorian couch, the doorbell rang. Dennis' father sighed and got up. A scrawny twenty-something stood outside the door.

"Hello, Mr. Reynolds I got your car back." Frank shot him a cold stare. Nervous, the kid quickly gave him the keys. "Since I-I'm here, I figured it'd be a good time to—"

"See you on Monday Mike." Frank slammed the door in his face. With his stocky legs, he stumbled his way back to the couch.

 

"Hey did you see what I did there Ellmord?"

"Elon." There was a moment of silence. "Yeah, it was great! You really told him who was in charge." Frank let out a gross laugh and drew from his cigar again.

"You're much smarter than I thought you were. Trust me pal, if you follow lil' Frankie's advice you'll be set for life. Just make sure you save a little something for me." He winked. Elon returned a smile. He hasn't felt this kind of encouragement since he was a child.

"Hey Frank, can I try the cigar?" The older man made a confused expression. 

"Sure." Frank leaned in and handed him the half-finished Cuban cigar. The sent of burnt hay hit his nostrils immediately. There was also a defined damp ring around it from the old man's saliva. He couldn't help but wince at it. Yet, he will still determined to try. Elon knew he was still seen as a loser to Frank but he never wanted to admit that he was not cool. So, he slowly inhaled the cigar and felt an immediate painful, heavy burn in his chest. His troll-like face crumpled up like a used napkin. He let out a deep, ugly cough.

"I don't think I'll smoke anything again." Elon admitted. When he looked up, he saw Frank and Dennis look at him vacantly. 

"You okay?" Dennis asked. Elon couldn't help but smile at him. Dennis' underwhelming concern for his well-being made his heart ache like the smoke in his lungs. 

"Uh... yeah." 

"Did you get my car Frank?" said Dennis to his father.

"Yeah." He placed the keys into his son's hand. "Don't fuck up that car again. I can't afford another screw up from you. I'm already paying for your sister's." He rolled his eyes.

"I know. Well, Elon and I have to go." The two college students go up and walked out the door. Frank followed them.

"Bye Dennis." He gave him a small nod. "Oh, and by the—" Dennis slammed the door on Frank and walked to the car.


	5. Daddy Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's been so long, there's been a lot going on. I also have been suffering from a bad case of writer's block. Well, I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and I'll try to write more consistently!

With Dennis' miraculously repaired Range Rover, the boys were back cruising down the I-90. At this point, it has been thirty minutes since they took their departure from the Reynolds estate. More Red Bull have accumulated on the floor, pulsing from the heavy bass from the radio. Dennis and Elon were rocking to the classic 70's song, passionately lip-syncing to the lyrics. The two idiots began to mouth the words: _"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue, and the man on the moon! When you comin' home son? I don't know when, but we'll get together then. Dad, we're gonna have a good time then!"_

The last rugged guitar strings are plucked as the soothing violins start to wind down, harmonizing the end of the song. The boys pant after giving the most intense performance of their lives. The cans went wild, continuing to vibrate. Dennis and Elon both have present sweat stains. Elon wasn't used to this much physical activity, so he looked like a dirty greased up frying pan. Both of them look at each other and smiled momentarily. Dennis lowered the volume.

 

"I never thought I'd be jamming to Harry Chapin." Dennis admitted.

"I know, it's the berries!" Dennis smirked. The radio continued to whisper in the background as a comfortable silence formed. The car turned onto the Franklin bridge. Elon couldn't help but gaze below at the calming waters of the Delaware river. "This is the first time I have ever been here." said Elon. Dennis shook his head.

"Ahh, that's a tragedy."

"My father said he was going to visit and take me to Philadelphia during winter break, but he called me last week and told me he had 'other plans.' He always pulls this crap on me, I fucking hate it."

 

The South African man's face turned sour. He continued to look out of the window. Dennis adjusted himself in his seat and exhaled; he wanted to comfort Elon, but he knew he was never really good at it.

"Man, that sucks," said Dennis. No response. Silence flooded the car. Dennis felt like he was drowning, he had to say something.

"You know... my dad used to pull the same shit too." 

"Really?"

"Yep. Whenever my sister and I wanted to do anything with Frank, he'd always make up some excuse that he had to go into work. Next thing you knew, he was gone for weeks in Vietnam running... sweatshops. That's the most he has told us, but I'm sure there's more to it than that." The Range Rover exited the Franklin bridge. Dennis looked at him, expecting a reaction to the sweatshop comment but he didn't say anything. "You know, you're supposed to act surprised when you hear that."

"I was when he told me earlier." Dennis' eyebrows raised up.

"I didn't realize you guys talked that much."

"We talked almost all morning. He is a very wise man, but obviously not the most sensitive. In fact he kind of scares me." Dennis let out a weak chuckle.

"God that's sad... he spent more time with you than me or my sister have in the past couple of years." He took a drink out of his water bottle. The sign Welcome to New Jersey passed by them. 

"Why doesn't he spend time with you two?"

Dennis sighed. "Frank doesn't like us. He thinks my sister is a disappointment. Which I can understand, 'cause she is. But for me? I sort of know. First off, he was kind of disappointed when I wanted to major in psych because 'it's all stupid mind bullshit' or whatever."

"Oh right, he told me that."

"And we never really bonded. We don't share the same interest so it's hard to do anything with him. Like, I've always been fascinated with animals, especially their skin. God, the skin. But... he couldn't give less of a shit. He absolutely hates animals."

The physics major nodded, then shifted his eyes away from the driver. "I hate to say this, but I can relate all too well: my dad and I have not meeting eye-to-eye either, to say the least."

 

A hush fell between the two. Dennis was waiting for his new friend to elaborate, but failed to do so. The lanky man glanced at his friend longingly. Elon was looking down, twiddling his greasy obese sausage thumbs like helicopter propellers. _I hope he's okay,_ Dennis thought. Then, a sudden wave of uneasiness hit him: this is the first time Dennis Reynolds has thought of someone else's feelings before his. He took another deep breath, and turned to Elon. 

"Are you, uh... good?" said Dennis. He winced a little.

"Yeah, It's just thinking about this makes upset sometimes."

"So... why..." Dennis retched, "have you and your dad not been getting along?" his friend frowned. 

"Are you in an adequate stage of health?" 

"Of course," the foolish man reassured. Dennis shifted his eyes back and forth. "Just... answer the damn question."

Elon turned his head, facing the road ahead of them. "After I moved to Canada, my dad started criticizing me relentlessly. Whenever I was on the phone with him he'd start going on how I'd give up, that I'm never going to be successful, that I'm never going to make anything of myself. He calls me an idiot all the time." 

"Canada? Don't you mean here?"

"No, I did live in Canada for a bit. It's a long story."

"We have time, Elon. It's still going to take..." Dennis glanced at the dashboard's clock. "Forty-five minutes."

The physics major exhaled. He turned his body to his seat's window. He watched the New Jersey scenery pass by him. "When I was eight, my parents split. Me and my siblings stayed with my mother. Then I saw how sad and lonely he was. I felt sorry; my mother had all three of us, and he had no one. So I decided to move back in with him. Biggest mistake of my life."

 

Dennis waited for Elon to elaborate, but failed to do so. _Should I ask for more or should I drop it?_ , he pondered. _The bitch can't just leave me hanging dry like this!_ Once they hit the red light, the question slithered out of his ashy lips:

"Why was it a big mistake?" Dennis' heart dropped into his stomach. He know that was a risky question to ask. He quickly turned his head to check on Elon, but Elon continued to stare out into the New Jersey scenery.

He didn't answer at first. Elon was too lost in his own mental war zone between him and his father. All the emotions of the ongoing melodrama blasted him at once. He hadn't critically thought about the relationship as a whole in a long time. Thinking about any one of them in detail resurfaced old wounds. Moreover, Elon never had to go this explicit about his father to anyone outside of his family. There were so many emotions, and so many details, where could he even begin? He wanted to let it go, but he could feel Dennis' exasperated beady eyes lay on him — he had to say something. Elon was going to have to give Dennis an answer whether he liked it or not. 

"We got along for a short time but that quickly changed. When I shared my ideas with him, he'd put me down, and told me if I didn't change soon I was going to be a failure. Soon enough he started to chastise at me whenever I did anything wrong." Elon sighed. "Then I couldn't handle it anymore, so I moved out as soon as possible to live with my mother in Canada. Even after all these years, he still has to tell me that I'm going never going to amount to anything." Elon continued to look out the window. A tear tumbled down on his sausage patty face. He couldn't bare to look at Dennis. Not like this.

 

As the sound of the quite radio continued, and Dennis started freaking the fuck out. His tiny eyes were wide open with fear and his heart rate accelerated. _Goddamnit, look what you got yourself into!_ He thought. _Now he was stuck having to comfort someone, something that he has never cared to do, until now. Maybe I should leave him alone and I can wait for this to blow over._ He waited a moment, but there was still silence. _Fuck, of course that didn't work! I guess I am going to have to say something._ The idiot man took a deep breath. 

"I'm sorry about that." 

"It's okay." Elon lied. The awkward silence returned. Luckily, this time Dennis knew the perfect thing to say:

"He can't be as bad as my dad, right?" An awkward laugh immediately succeeded. Elon didn't find it to be a laughing matter.

"I'm not too sure— he could be even worse. He is such a terrible human being. You have no idea. My dad will meticulously plan out operations of evil. He has committed every crime and evil act you can possibly think of. He is pure evil."

"What has he done exactly?" 

"It's... a lot. I rather not go into it." Elon choked up. Dennis opened his mouth for a second, ready to demand an answer. But something restrained him.

Dennis asked, "Has he opened a sweatshop in Vietnam?" His new friend smiled weakly.

"You know what? I wouldn't be surprised."

"Has he ever cheated, stolen something, or hell— killed someone?"

"All the above."

"Jesus christ, our dads should have a playdate." The two burst into laughter.

"God, imagine putting them into a baby's play area and leaving them alone for hours on end." 

"Holy shit. That is an awesome idea." The laughter tied down. "In all seriousness, don't listen to your father. He's a fucking moron, your ideas are amazing. I love listening to them." Elon couldn't help but blush.

"Do... you really think that?"

"Of course. You're so smart. I wish I was like that too."

"Oh, shut up, you are! Remember when you told me about all the different kinds of skin tissue last night?" Dennis smiled.

"I do like my skin." They stopped at another red light.

"I'd be a shame to see you waste your talents wasted." Elon leaned over and patted Dennis' bony shoulder. Dennis turned to face him. Neither of them could help getting lost in each other's laundry detergent colored eyes. There was some indescribable beauty that was drawing them together. The space between them was getting tighter by the second. They knew it was wrong, but the gravity was so strong that they couldn't help it. _HONK!_ Apperently the go sign had been green for a few moments. Dennis quickly pulled away and began to drive.

 

"Up next: _Oh Daddy_ by Fleetwood Mac." The radio station murmured.

"Oh, I like this song." Elon turned up the volume. Oh Daddy started to play. "You know, there's something about _Cat in the Cradle_ that resinates me, but I can't put my finger on it." Dennis nods.

"Me too. It's probably nothing though."

"Yeah, you're right."

They both turned to face the road ahead of them while listening to Fleetwood Mac.


End file.
